Through The Esoteric Lens | Love, Loss & the Illusion of Forever

Through The Esoteric Lens

Love, heartbreak, toxicity, education, and growth. These things have shaped me, torn me, and put me back together in ways I never thought possible in the moment. I have lived through the highest highs of love and the lowest depths of heartbreak, and each time, I emerged changed. Not always stronger at first, but wiser. I genuinely do believe heartbreak is a necessary chapter in peoples lives to bring out the eventual best in them, if they let it. However this can also have the opposite effect.

Love & Heartbreak

I used to believe love was something powerful and something that, if you nurtured it enough, would last, no matter what. But reality is, love is not just about feelings. It’s about choices, timing, and the wounds people carry long before they ever meet you. And no matter how much love you give, sometimes it's not enough to keep someone from walking away. This is the journey that shaped me into who I am today, while I find it intimidating being so vulnerable to the public eye, if I can teach anyone, have them learn something from this blog or even finding catharsis from relation to this post, Then it's a small burden I can bare.

The First Lesson In Trust

My first love was one of betrayal. A kind of heartbreak where trust is shattered again and again, and the scars linger far longer than the relationship itself. I gave my heart fully as a tender and innocent 16yo, trusting her with my vulnerability, only to receive lies, deceit, and manipulations in return. It was a love that, at the time, felt all too consuming and ended up leaving me fractured. Despite everything that happened, I’ve long forgiven her and moved past that pain. I no longer carry the weight of that betrayal, and I truly wish her well. That love taught me some of my most important lessons like boundaries, self worth, and the necessity of trusting the right people with your heart. It’s not the hurt that defines me now, but the strength I found in healing.

Soulless

After experiencing heartbreak, betrayal, loss and love for the first time, now entering the age of an emotionally, self destructive 18 year old. You can probably guess how this went. Cigarettes became my new addiction, alongside alcohol. I would rock up to school drunk, get my attendance ticked off and then bounce to go get drunk again. I had no respect for other people anymore and lost it for myself. People use to blame that girl for making me that way, however I see it as the opposite. Its my fault for letting my emotions control me. No one logically can be blamed for making someone do something or not doing something. This plays into my conclusion at the end of the blog. But to try and keep this brief in an already bloated blog, I didn't want to be here anymore. The pain was unbearable and using toxic coping mechanisms on top of that at a young age. Man. If I survived that, I genuinely can survive anything the world has to throw at me. Even if life does feel tough naturally from time to time.

The Second In Toxicity

My second love was a gentle soul. It's someone who would have been everything I needed, had I been whole. But I wasn’t. I rushed into that relationship too soon. Not even 3 months after my first, still carrying the unresolved bitterness from that heartbreak. Instead of nurturing what could’ve been a beautiful love, I let my pain poison it. I brought out the worst in her, and in turn, I became someone I didn’t recognize. I still think of the shameful things I did from time to time, but those memories don’t linger in regret anymore. They motivate me to stay the better person I am now. That love taught me that healing is a prerequisite for loving someone else fully. I learned how toxic unhealed wounds can be, and how the cycle of hurt continues until you finally decide to break it. 

The Break

While suffocating it was after my first breakup. This second one hit a whole different kind of nerve. After my second love, I was single for five years. It wasn’t an easy time. There were moments of loneliness and longing, but deep down, I knew I had to heal. I had to learn my lesson about moving on too quickly without fully understanding myself. For me, and my future partner. This time alone was hard, but it was the right choice. I used that time to rediscover who I actually was, to learn about my needs, my boundaries, and what I truly wanted out of life. I worked on understanding the pain I’d gone through and making peace with it. By the time I was ready to love again, I had evolved into a new person. One who was whole, strong, and, most importantly, capable of loving in a healthier way.

The Third In Love

...and then came the most recent one, out of nowhere. I remember seeing an Insta quote that on average a person loves three times in their life. The first ends abruptly, the second is the most painful and the third comes out of nowhere with a deep connection. Looking at it now I relate so well to it. However, in the end. The timing could not have been more wrong for the opposing party but man did I still cling to the resonance of that quote. My third love and I had a connection so deep it felt spiritual. Which, in hindsight, became the hardest lesson. She taught me that love isn’t just about wanting someone.. It’s about being wanted in return. It’s about the quiet understanding that, no matter how deep the connection, sometimes the timing is just wrong. People walk away not because of something you did or didn’t do, but because they’re too lost within themselves to give you what you need. That love was different, it was pure, but was also marked by missed words, unspoken truths, and missed opportunities. It forced me to confront a painful truth. No matter how much you care for someone, you cannot force them to stay. No matter how much knowledge you can provide on healing. They have to want to heal. And my lesson here, is that sometimes, you just have to let go, even if you never considered such an option.

The Conclusion.

Peoples perception on love is different. Just like how peoples perception on the world is. Like love, the world exists to exist. It does nothing else but. Yet its how we are raised in this world that will give us our own lens and idea of what the world is or "should" be. This same setting applies with love. Some people love conditionally others unconditionally, some people have avoidant tendencies others have anxious ones. My point is, its not "love" itself that hurts us, it’s the weight others carry within their own perception of love that doesn’t match ours. We expect a shared understanding, a shared language, yet what we fail to see is that everyone’s love speaks in a different dialect, influenced by their own experiences, pain, and history.

As I sit with all that I’ve learned, I can’t help but ask myself this. Does love become more diluted each time you love someone new? Or does it simply change, adapting to new lessons, new dynamics, and new people? It leaves me wondering if theirs's a part of me that’s afraid of loving too deeply again. But that’s the paradox, isn’t it? You can’t keep your heart open unless you let it love fully. And so, the cycle continues. Learning, growing, and loving again.

I guess the real question now is. What will I have to learn next?